The Truth About Lesbian Sex
By Dr. Jay Asher - Licensed Psychotherapist

Suzanne Lasenza, Ph.D. and sex therapist, states “If you ask most lesbians what they believe is the number-one problem of long-term lesbian couples, they would say, “lesbian bed death”. 
Think about how ubiquitous the lesbian bed death myth has become! It’s not true!

Myth: The myth states that the experience of diminished sexual activity in lesbian couples is particular only to lesbians, is somehow related to lesbianism and is even a natural condition of being lesbian. Where did these destructive ideas come from, and why does the lesbian community believe them?

My view is that my lesbian clients who come in complaining of reduced sexual interaction are experiencing real life. I believe there is no such thing as lesbian bed death, unless we also want to use the terms “gay bed death” and “straight bed death”. Like straight couples and gay couples, lesbians experience work frustrations, family crises, and illnesses that demand attention and energy, sometimes at the cost of quality intimate time together. With the facts in perspective, let’s look at lesbian sexual infrequency with the understanding that any of the problems listed can apply to straight or gay relationships.

Reality: Many disparate issues contribute to sexual infrequency, from homophobia to different desires for particular sex practices, repercussions from an affair, depression and/or the side effects of anti-depressants, balancing children and work responsibilities and issues from one’s family of origin. Don’t underestimate the power of any one of these issues. If you are experiencing a combination of these issues, be patient (very patient) with yourself or your partner.

I’d like to discuss those problems and solutions that come up most often with lesbians in therapy:

Problem 1: Who initiates sex? In a lesbian relationship we have two wimmin who have been socialized to believe that they should not be sexually aggressive! In the beginning of the relationship passion shows the way, but as passion wanes, neither partner assumes the responsibility for initiating.

Solution: Don’t be satisfied with the law of “diminishing returns”. Do not develop a conspiracy of silence; communicate. Address the issue. Challenge the gender-role conditioning. Liberate your thinking. Think sexual satisfaction. Remind yourself, and the womyn you share your life with, how sexy you are and how you get turned on every time she walks by.

Problem 2: Nice girls don’t talk about sex! Help!

Solution: Wimmin profit by talking to their partners about what is (or isn’t) happening between them sexually. Such communication builds sexual satisfaction. Increase sexual satisfaction = an increase in sexual frequency. Challenge yourself to open new areas of eroticism. Allow yourselves to integrate sex and sexuality into your enjoyment of your life together.

Problem 3: Those wimmin who come from families deeply involved with a religion that equates sexual pleasure with sin often must struggle with their own internalisation of that idea. Sexual pleasure is tinged with guilt and a sense of doing something wrong. Add to that the prohibition most religions place on homosexual behaviour, and the ability to enjoy or even be comfortable with sex can be seriously effected.

Solution: Learn a new religious language. Find a church that is affirming. We have many in our community. Try Science of Mind, Metropolitan Community Church, First Unitarian Universalist, or Unity Church. We live in a computer world; think of software and hardware. We have religious software that has been programmed and destructive since childhood. Change your program. Get positive, enforcing, enriching, and empowering religious software that fits your lifestyle, your sense of a positive self.

Problem 4: Early Trauma.

Solution: The pervasive problem of childhood sexual abuse hinders emotional and sexual fulfilment. Communicate your history of abuse. Work through your history and your issues with someone you trust. Lean on the literature for guidance. Read and study Ellen Bass’s and Laura Davis’s “The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse”.

If you have been following my article, you know how strongly I feel about couples communicating. 
Following is a lesbian questionnaire intended to get good communication going between you and your sweetie:

Being able to ask for what you want or no longer want is an act of faith in your relationship.

Being unwilling to express yourself honestly is a vote of no confidence in the potential of your partnership.

Recommended reading: The Lesbian Sex Book by Wendy Caster